Not so sure.
2007-02-22
OK, I don't know what was wrong with me yesterday...but I am not feeling so despondent today. I have been so damn moody lately. We found a wonderful house today with the real-estate agent! Currently we are in the process of being preaproved for a mortgage. I am not getting my hopes up yet, but I am excited. The lender said we could definitely get approved, it is just a matter of how much and at what percentage. Very nervous. Big step. I actually shed a tear when we were told we had a chance. Sometimes it is really a pain in the ass to be a woman, and I mean that from a hormonal stand point.
Anyways. So here is the short version of my life up to this point. I grew up in Glendale Arizona. I have one brother who is seven years younger than me. We moved to Bryan Texas when I was thirteen, the parents promptly got divorced. It was a long and ugly time coming. I lived with my mom and brother to begin with. I was a very gothic little teenager filled with angst. When I was seventeen my mother kicked me out of the house, for the last time, and threw all my things out in the rain pretty much. So I lived with my Dad until I was nineteen. I met Mark when I was twenty and we moved in together six months later. I don't want to get into any details but lets just say there was some questionable parenting going on in my mothers house when I was there, and it got worse after I left. I was really concerned for my brother. So, starting over two years ago my father and I teamed up to try and get my brother out of my mothers house. It was a VERY long and painful legal battle that ended in a draw. You see my brother wants to stay with my Mom. Its comfortable for him. Now he hates me and hasn't spoken to me in years. He wont speak to my Dad either. I did not speak to my Mom for a long time. Things are starting to mend between the two of us. So it is better on that front. But my brother still wont talk to me.
I have always felt like I was expendable to her. I was kicked out for very little reason. The home life at that point was abusive. She let me go and never looked back, but fought like hell to keep my brother all to herself. Its painful. I spent time in children's shelters, you know, the kind run by the state. It is all very complicated. Please don't think I am ungrateful to my Mother. I love her. But she was wrong. She threw one child away and cherished the other. I'm sure she has issues of her own. I just can't help but think about all of the ugliness sometimes. I still feel like I was not good enough for her. Like I was less. I feel like I want people to know this about me. How hard it is to testify against someone you love. How hard it is to bring up all of the ugly and embarrassing things that went on. Someone who will not compromise or listen. I don't think it is possible for someone to hate an other person more than she hates my Dad. In allot of ways I feel like all of this came about to hurt him.
I want to avoid sounding like, "It is all my parents fault, look what they did to me." There are limits to that argument. I'm not even sure what I'm getting at.
I love my father and my stepmother more than I can explain. They are the most wonderful people I know. I love my mother the same way. Its just more complicated with her. I love my husband, and I now have the happy and satisfying home life I always wanted. But sometimes I still feel like that scared little girl under the bed waiting for the screaming to stop.
Wednesday night.
2007-02-21
Feeling better today, no fever. Yay. Tomorrow Mark and I are going to go talk to a real-estate agent about buying our first home. Very nervous. I have no idea what to expect, and am kind of wondering if we will be approved for a mortgage. We have good credit but not alot of it. The agent says its not as intimidating as it seems. She seems to work with first time home buyers alot, so keeping my fingers crossed.
I really don't like know-it-all-types. I have been accused of being one before, but I tend to disagree. I believe I have a nemesis. Someone who competes with me in class. It is really quite annoying. She belittles me in everything and I think she has to do that to maintain her self concept. Please permit my whining. I get so aggravated when she argues with our instructors when she is wrong! She can be dead bold faced WRONG and still defend her ignorance to the end. In many cases her idea of patient care would actually kill someone! She is an intelligent woman, I give her that. No common sense though. Technical knowledge is important, but common sense and the ability to think critically is 90 percent of being a nurse. OK moving on, I feel petty.
I guess I'm gonna go take a bath and park it on the couch, just me and the dogs tonight. I'm lonely again. Damn. Lonely and whiny. How pathetic. I guess next time I might start talking about my past and my life. I think its time to get it out. Maybe not. 
Tuesday night.
2007-02-20
What a crap day! I was not feeling well this morning, nothing specific, just not well. So I went to my clinical this morning at a local pediatric clinic anyways. As the day goes on I am feeling progressively worse. So I use one of the thermometers and I have a 101.9 temperature! Its really not a good idea to be around compromised children when you have fever, so I checked out a little early. I'm feeling pretty pathetic right now, but the fever is down at least. My dogs however were feeling wonderful, as is evidenced by everything they gnawed up while I was gone. Looks like I missed the party.
And the cherry on top of this shit sundae is this, thirty minutes ago I was totally harassed by a telemarketer. I have nothing against people who are legitimately just doing their job. This was a scam. The man had my name, address, birthday and the last four digits of my mastercard. This is my bank card! My bank does not give out information. He told me I had qualified for a savings program that includes 1,000 dollars of grocery coupons (like I give a shit!) and rewards at Bestbuy and some restaurants. All this and the first month is only a dollar. He proceeds to tack on extra "Savings Bonuses" that cost extra. When I actually get a word in to ask how he got my number he starts yelling at me and hangs up. I was shocked.
Anyway, the point is....it sucked. The company's name is Quality Resources Promotions, based out of Florida. I looked them up online. No website for them, but lots of information about people they have tried to scam into giving up credit card numbers. So watch out people, I don't want anyone on here (or anywhere) to get taken advantage of.
I am totally disgusted. Thats all for now.
Apology in advance.
2007-02-19
Can't help myself. I have a new favorite joke.
Q: What is green and invisible? A: (Hold up hands) This cabbage. 
Monday Afternoon.
2007-02-19
Not bad for a Monday so far. Class was less than exhilarating, but someone brought do-nuts. That counts for something. So much for the diet thing I was "planning" on doing.
I'm sad right now, but hopeful that things will get better. Mark (the husband) has been at work for 60 something hours now, and the house is to quiet with just me and the dogs. He should be getting off in a couple of hours. It is hard being married to a Paramedic.
Right now a nap sounds good. In theory it might be. However, if I do take a nap I will not sleep tonight. That will not do. I have to be up early in the morning to go work for free, nursing school is so wonderful. It is really preferable to not be dozing off as you are sinking a needle into someones arm, or ass. So, no nap. You know what one of my favorite things to do right now? Wake up on a day off, eat something and then go back to sleep. You would not believe how wonderful that is. If you eat fast enough the bed will still be warm when you come back. Some might say that sort of behavior is indicative of depression. They are wrong, this time.
Yesterday was the four year anniversary of Mark and my first date. He had to work. Bummer. I'm hoping he won't be to wiped out and we can go see a movie and get some dinner. I'm interested in seeing Hannibal Rising. I wish Anthony Hopkins was in it. I find him vaguely attractive.
My self esteem has been floundering lately, so I actually put on make up today and did my hair. I'm not sure what is going on with me. I've gained some weight since starting nursing school, but not that much. I'm just feeling ugly. That is actually one of the reasons I started this site. I thought it would be good to get out some of my feelings. Maybe it will help. Thats all for now.
Start Here.
2007-02-18
My name is Melissa. I am 24. I am married. I Love my husband. I am happy sometimes. I am sad sometimes. I believe in God. I Believe Jesus is my savior. I should go to church more often. I am a nursing student. Other than that...I am still figuring it out.
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